Don't Fucking Tell Me What to do

Don't tell me about my grungy teabags

Or if I shouldn't bring a map

Don't ask why I leave so early

Or comment on how much pesto I eat

Girl, lemme be in my own damn bubble.

This day

This morning I went to Rome's Body Worlds exhibit. I've seen the show here and back home in Philadelphia. Both times it has made me question the boundaries of what is acceptable and what is not. The first time I saw thew show it was only adults that had donated their body to science and it was strange and disturbing what happened from there. Today's show started with a disclaimer about the show being genuine but do not except to find information on the bodies used in it. Corpses of infants, children, teenagers, and adults littered the the showroom. Standing in front of the display of the pregnant woman with an 8 month old infant inside her made me question these people's lives, who they were, and how they would feel knowing they were on display. It was surreal staring at dried out tongues and skin with hair still attached to it. Something about staring into the empty sockets of these empty cavities was other-worldly.

After that I had Italian class then to design class. I'm headed to Milan next weekend. Today in class, we went to Mussolini's villa, which was also surreal. Walking through the empty halls with my friends was sensation I had never felt before. We were alone save for the video cameras. Neoclassical ballrooms, Egyptian themed bedrooms, and breathtaking gardens.

Via Roma

So I've been living in Rome for 12 days now. I've managed to argue with my long-distance boyfriend, make an ass of myself in public, and get lost. I've seen things more beautiful than I can describe and tasted incredible food. I wonder how I will readjust to American life. No walking to the market to buy oranges, or seeing St. Peter's Basilica on the way to class. I won't have any breathtaking vistas to admire, or roses to smell.

Slowly I'm remembering/relearning my Italian. I'm starting to act less "American". I sincerely wish I had brought proper clothing. I wonder why I didn't pack well. Nerves I guess.

I like it here, not enough to permanently stay, but it is changing me. I can feel it.

People

Sorry I'm not worthy enough for you. Actually I'm not. I care what you think of me, you win in that category. Your disapproval of my lifestyle choices are upsetting to me. I worry about what others think of me, as I always try to improve who I am. This is something you ought to work on.

I know I act impersonal with you, it was a conscious choice. As was the decision to be with the people who make me happy. This is why I was not at Christmas. I'm slowly learning to balance happiness with ego. Ego is a dangerous thing. It is necessary to have one, but once it gets out of control, it is a beast to tame.

So why am I impersonal with you? Well have you ever been personal with me? Can you recall how my hair falls or the pattern to my walk? Do you know what I do for a living or who my best friend is? No, I can't answer these questions for you either, and there is a reason to this. I am the black sheep of the family, the outcast you pretend to forget. I've always seen it, you do a poor job of hiding it. I know I don't fit in, and so I started to spend time with the people who accept my eccentricities. It's been much nicer.

I will never please you in the ways I had hoped, trust me I tried. There is no use trying to please the people who shut you down. This is the explanation to my impersonality. It is my resignation to the fact that nothing I ever do will be enough, so I simply stopped trying. Call it a copout, I won't argue that, but realize I had reasons for acting in such a manner.

Please, do me a favor, take the ignorance you have of me and let it grow. Forget me, let me be. Why? Because you will never stop me.

The Past Men

Chris
Edmund
Zack
Richard
Tom
Edward
Padriac
David
Dan
Greg
Marbles/Jake
The Hungarian
Randy
Matt

mio amore

I stared at him in the disjointed light, diced by the venetian blinds. I knew he'd always remember this moment. He'd think of how he felt. How my red nails looked against his skin.
His eyes were so telling. All the pain and confusion and hurt. It was so raw. But I wasn't afraid.

I just wanted him to stop hurting.

The Fall

45 minutes ago I got off the phone with my Aunt.
The conversation reaffirmed my philosophy of family: You can pick your nose, your friends, but relatives, like nipples, are just something you're stuck with.

There are those families who are all pretty supportive of each other and have holidays to catch up on each other's lives and share gossip. That's not my family.

My family is wealthy, at least my mother's side. Even if they don't have money, they act as if they do. Business attire, never casual. Always busy. Always professional.

Anyways, next week, Christmas, I'll be with my boyfriend. His grandmother is having dinner at her home. I say "I'm going to go visit an elderly widowed woman who would love to see me on Christmas." Most stable people would react with, "Oh, that's sweet. Hope you have a nice time, sorry you'll be missing our (Insert blank)", or "Have fun, tell her I said hello!". Not "I really am surprised at this decision. I've always been level with you. I can't fathom why you would go that weekend. You're on Winter Break right now, aren't you? After all your parents have done for you, and what they have been through...missing Christmas with them, I can't understand"

I guess I could have lied and called in sick.

Life. Success

Every minutes of everyday I think about the millions of little steps I can take to success. What people do I need to talk to. What risks should I take. Who do I need to call?

Will it all pan out?

Will I achieve my dreams?

Utopia. Rough version

People as a group try to achieve perfection but you cannot suppress human desire.

Texts: Watchmen, The Shakers, More's Utopia, Genesis, Plato's Republic.

‎"Life is like a VCR. If you put chicken in it, it won't work properly."

wise words from my roommate

i learned its a bad plan to write "analysis" as a stop motion movie

no one wants to see anal

Ian's Take

"“I think the problem with society stemmed from when things like cars and televisions and stereos stopped being luxury items and became an expected item in someones life. IE greed became the norm. when you become greedy, you think only of yourself rather than others. I remember when mangos were a luxury fruit, now every corner shop sells em, and people expect everything. It's an inability to realise how lucky you are to have what you have"

If I were to create my own Utopia

A rough start:

-Gender equality

-Both men and women are required to take time off work to rear children. Both parents are given 3 month paid leave from work when a new baby arrives. Men are encouraged through this to develop their nurturing side.

- People are used as testing for new products, not animals

- Prisons are horrible places, not vacations

- Free therapy for the populous

- Schooling is mandatory for 15 years

-Must learn: art, music, theater, sports, reading, writing, mathematics, science. No standardized testing or competitive schooling. All things taught are applicable in the real world; such as balancing checks, filing taxes properly

- After 15 years students can pursue up to 5 more years in academia in whatever subject(s) they choose.

-Banks and corporations are regulated by the elected oligarchy. Oligarchy is elected by people though. (contains 8 people, 4 men, 4 women). Decisions made by them must be unanimous. Each member is responsible for a different aspect of society. (Education, Jobs, Government Expenditures, Healthcare, Foreign Relations, Industry, Housing/ Development, Population)

Suicide.

Mark Rothko

Vincent Van Gogh

Ernest Hemmingway

Sylvia Plath

Isabella Blow

Alexander Mcqueen

Diane Arbus

Soup!

Black bean broth

Regular vegetable broth

cashews, split lentils, black beans

carrots

onions

celery

Garlic and Chive cheese

parsley

salt and pepper

Also for fun

soy sausage

rice