mio amore

I stared at him in the disjointed light, diced by the venetian blinds. I knew he'd always remember this moment. He'd think of how he felt. How my red nails looked against his skin.
His eyes were so telling. All the pain and confusion and hurt. It was so raw. But I wasn't afraid.

I just wanted him to stop hurting.

The Fall

45 minutes ago I got off the phone with my Aunt.
The conversation reaffirmed my philosophy of family: You can pick your nose, your friends, but relatives, like nipples, are just something you're stuck with.

There are those families who are all pretty supportive of each other and have holidays to catch up on each other's lives and share gossip. That's not my family.

My family is wealthy, at least my mother's side. Even if they don't have money, they act as if they do. Business attire, never casual. Always busy. Always professional.

Anyways, next week, Christmas, I'll be with my boyfriend. His grandmother is having dinner at her home. I say "I'm going to go visit an elderly widowed woman who would love to see me on Christmas." Most stable people would react with, "Oh, that's sweet. Hope you have a nice time, sorry you'll be missing our (Insert blank)", or "Have fun, tell her I said hello!". Not "I really am surprised at this decision. I've always been level with you. I can't fathom why you would go that weekend. You're on Winter Break right now, aren't you? After all your parents have done for you, and what they have been through...missing Christmas with them, I can't understand"

I guess I could have lied and called in sick.

Life. Success

Every minutes of everyday I think about the millions of little steps I can take to success. What people do I need to talk to. What risks should I take. Who do I need to call?

Will it all pan out?

Will I achieve my dreams?

Utopia. Rough version

People as a group try to achieve perfection but you cannot suppress human desire.

Texts: Watchmen, The Shakers, More's Utopia, Genesis, Plato's Republic.

‎"Life is like a VCR. If you put chicken in it, it won't work properly."

wise words from my roommate

i learned its a bad plan to write "analysis" as a stop motion movie

no one wants to see anal

Ian's Take

"“I think the problem with society stemmed from when things like cars and televisions and stereos stopped being luxury items and became an expected item in someones life. IE greed became the norm. when you become greedy, you think only of yourself rather than others. I remember when mangos were a luxury fruit, now every corner shop sells em, and people expect everything. It's an inability to realise how lucky you are to have what you have"

If I were to create my own Utopia

A rough start:

-Gender equality

-Both men and women are required to take time off work to rear children. Both parents are given 3 month paid leave from work when a new baby arrives. Men are encouraged through this to develop their nurturing side.

- People are used as testing for new products, not animals

- Prisons are horrible places, not vacations

- Free therapy for the populous

- Schooling is mandatory for 15 years

-Must learn: art, music, theater, sports, reading, writing, mathematics, science. No standardized testing or competitive schooling. All things taught are applicable in the real world; such as balancing checks, filing taxes properly

- After 15 years students can pursue up to 5 more years in academia in whatever subject(s) they choose.

-Banks and corporations are regulated by the elected oligarchy. Oligarchy is elected by people though. (contains 8 people, 4 men, 4 women). Decisions made by them must be unanimous. Each member is responsible for a different aspect of society. (Education, Jobs, Government Expenditures, Healthcare, Foreign Relations, Industry, Housing/ Development, Population)

Suicide.

Mark Rothko

Vincent Van Gogh

Ernest Hemmingway

Sylvia Plath

Isabella Blow

Alexander Mcqueen

Diane Arbus

Soup!

Black bean broth

Regular vegetable broth

cashews, split lentils, black beans

carrots

onions

celery

Garlic and Chive cheese

parsley

salt and pepper

Also for fun

soy sausage

rice

public schooling in a nutshell: blacks were oppressed. white men are suppressive egotistical misogynists who cant control their desires. women are loose and shouldn't be trusted. asians are super intelligent but cant seem to speak english properly if their lie depends on it. AMERICA RULES! go jesus"

Chat Conversation End

New job. New people

This time around; music

Stage manager... and I'm barely an adult.

Nearly 20

I'm turning 20 soon. I've been working my ass off to get to where I am and I'm taking a moment to reflect on what I've learned from life.

Life: Chances are everyone else is just as pissed off and frustrated. It's the recipe for success. No one got to where they are by magic.

Being confident is almost as hard to achieve as happiness. Both are definitely worth the effort.

Survival and actually living are very different things. Take risks and be afraid, it means you're getting somewhere.

Fall in love every so often. Love is the closest thing we have to magic.

Take care of your body! At the end of the day, after work, and class, and whatever else, you are left with you. Own that.

Le Fin

One time in college....

I met a guy on a Friday afternoon. A butcher. He told me he was 30. Saturday I met his family. His brother talked about this guy's daughter. I was confused. Sunday he tells me he's 39. He lied because he was afraid I wouldn't like him. He then said he had a 21 year old daughter. Then he asked me to move in with him.

I booked it outta there.

On humans

I've been doing a lot of reading and discussion in terms of, well, us.

Organized people's productivity versus that of a 'sloppy' person. Are messy people less happy? Are organized people narrow minded? Why do people who live in poor and abusive environments stay there? Why do they not have a desire for something better?

My roommate told me of her best friend's ex girlfriend. The girl grew up in an abusive home so she was sent to live with her grandparents. Her grandfather proceeded to sexually assault her. She got a boyfriend who sold her into prostitution.

Another person she knew was abused at home. Her mom tried to kill her sister, so they were sent to live with their grandmother who eventually kicked them out for their behavioral problems. They spent high school in foster care.

Both of these girls have a baby to care for as well.

Stories like these are fairly common. People are hopeless or afraid of leaving home.

A boy gets a football scholarship and goes to college. He has such a hard time adjusting to the academics and social change he goes back to his home. His home where his brothers molest his sisters and where he has no indoor plumbing or electricity.

And if he were to stay he would have lost his family because the experience would have differed him so much.

These are the people society hides from, while they desperately try to forget themselves in unachievable beauty and lifestyle standards. While they bankrupt themselves on a mortgage they can't afford. While they divorce and remarry, just so they won't be alone.